I am comforted by the stirring of beans.
I’ve never liked cooking before. Not really. I have worked at it, endured it. But joy was never part of the experience.
Of course, it helps with company. Most things do, for me. There are the few solitary activities I enjoy – going for a run, tweezing hairs on my chin, scrolling through social media posts, putting items in an online shopping cart just to abandon them.
But I prefer life with others. And so it’s no surprise to me that I start enjoying cooking when my husband starts working from our kitchen table. He’s not talking to me and I don’t mind. I’m listening to a podcast and he is working. I don’t mind that he works long hours. It’s why I married him – his work ethic. Despite the constant stream of work that has defined our relationship, he always has time for me. These days, I need more time.
I don’t feel scared about the way the world is right now, but then I dream about tornados – my classic stress dream.
And then, I dream about heaven and hell.
I dream heaven has a terms of service agreement I don’t understand, but must sign in order to enter. The contents of heaven and hell are obscured. One thing is clear, from the man talking to me about the difference. Heaven is good, and hell is bad. The man isn’t trying to sell me heaven, he’s simply it’s bouncer. In charge of making sure he has disclosed I’ll lose 73.25 years if I choose heaven, but not in charge of telling me why. Why it’s worth it, why it’s charged, what it means. He doesn’t have those answers.
In this dream, people I know are going to hell. I don’t want to abandon them. I still think they are redeemable. I want to try.
The man drops his guard and tells me one more thing. Some people don’t think hell is bad. Sure, it feels that way, but it’s actually a challenge. If you make it through, you can come back to life.
My friends are scattered around, but we’re on the same path. Everyone is destined to end at this door, talking to this man, signing or not signing a contract they don’t understand. I want to wait for them. I want to fight. There are too many unknowns and I want the chance to come back to life.
But I’m scared, and alone.
I wake up before I decide.